Jan 2010 10

I thought Kim Kardashian had an official pass from the black community?

I don’t seem to recall there being any uproar back when she was the first non-black woman on the cover of King magazine, back before it went out of business and relaunched sans (new) journalism. Which of course begs the question of why it has an Editor in Chief, and how come I wasn’t considered. Can I be Deputy Editor (whatever that means)? My ability to sort through pictures of women is world renown.

The other time I recall there being a non-black (or hispanic, I guess) woman on the cover of King was when Tila Tequila was on the cover, and I’m not gonna lie – I was a little bit pissed. But not because I felt like she was taking an opportunity away from a black video ho. Because I was featured in that issue, so they sent me that one for free. It was only issue of King I ever had, and I could hardly stand looking at it. I used to have to leave it sitting on its cover.

You guys know I don’t generally dine on Chinese, but even if I did, Tila Tequila’s pancake face seems a little bit extreme to me, to the point where I’m not sure if I could rise to the occasion. Not that you needed to know that. But while we’re on the topic of things you don’t necessarily need to know: If I had to bang an Asian broad, I’d probably go for a woman named Elly Tran Ha. Consult Google Images to see why. (Note that in this case, Tran is an Asian person’s name, not an indicator that she migh be able to fuck me, if she somehow disabled me.) Either her, or this woman with ridonkulously large cans (I know…) named Fuko (pronounced Foucault).

The reason I bring this up is because I was over at Sandra Rose just now, and I saw where black women are pissed that Essence magazine put Reggie Bush on the cover of their next issue. But not because he looks mad suspect, with his sweater all open like that – which was my issue. You know black women like black men a little bit suspect. That’s why the AIDS rate’s all out of control. No, they’re pissed because he’s dating Kim Kardashian, who isn’t black. Never mind the fact that Kim Kardashian has a huge ass, and has done a lot to make that look more socially acceptable, which should work out in most black women’s favor, and the fact that she did a sex tape with Ray J, which, regardless of what you think about it, was probably a boom for race relations in this country, and may have even played a role (on a subconscious level) in electing our first black president, and the fact that, if white people caused a stank because a woman who dates black men graced the cover of Time magazine, that shit would be the new Don Imus.

The list of reasons why this is some ol’ bullshit goes on and on.

But the thing is, black women are on edge right now, because of a recent special on ABC about how some ridonkulous percentage of them have never been married. I even mentioned this yesterday, in my post about the photo op with homeless people Kanye West did to try to get his career in order. There’s been a definite shift in black male-female relations in the past few weeks. The response to my post about the ABC special, and to an especially amusing post I did about a profile in the Washington Post of the author of a forthcoming book on black women’s relationship woes, has been way more vitriolic than the response to similar posts I’ve done over the years.

The difference, I suspect, is that the illusion that this is all black men’s fault is starting to fade. To be sure, the ABC special did lay most of the blame upon black men. They even went so far as to have a computer expert put together a graph showing just how few “eligible” black men are left, once you take away the ones who are in jail, didn’t graduate from high school, and don’t have a job. They didn’t even bother to mention the ones who are suspect, but like I said – that’s not necessarily a deal breaker. You’d think black women’s response to a special like this would be to put it forth as further proof that they’re god’s gift, just like Michael Eric “Cornholio” Dyson said they are, and if only there were more black men who were worthy of being with them, but they probably couldn’t get past that initial statistic. Men lie, women lie even more than men, but numbers don’t. The truth of the matter is that black women’s vaginae could emit solid gold coins, and it wouldn’t change the fact that most of them are lonelier than I am.

Someone should explain to them that throwing shade on Reggie Bush’s Essence cover isn’t gonna help matters. It’s just gonna make them look that much more desperate. And I happen to know, from having studied “relationship strategy,” that people aren’t attracted to people who look desperate. The best way to make a woman want you is to pretend to not be interested. Maybe that’s why DL brothers get so much play.

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